I received this in the mailbox today:
Be complete about 2009 ( and the 2000-2009 decade). Have you taken time to pause, reflect, acknowledge, and celebrate the year that has passed? How are you feeling? What are you thinking? What were the highlights of your 2009? How has 2009 helped you grow? Were there any disappointments? Anything to leave behind? What have you learnt in the past year and past decade? It is valuable to spend time in mindful reflection of what has past. This brings closure and allows new space and energy to move forward powerfully into a new year and to create new intentions.
That reminded me that I haven’t really done this yet, and it shouldn’t be the case cos 2009 was a really BIG year for me. I don’t have the best memory, but let’s see how much I can recall here.
This was a year of extremes and intense spiritual growth. I decided to go for The Journey Practitioner Programme, and through the incredible seminars given by Brandon Bays as well as the Journey swaps that I did with fellow Journey friends, I experienced so much shifts that I was for the first time in my life, experiencing that indescribable bliss of loving myself and being completely at peace with my life.
That was around the time someone very special came into my life. It started off as a great friendship, and quickly became rather intense, to the extent that I was experiencing love for a person in a way that i have never experienced before, not even with my husband. Being a romantic and quick to interpret pretty much everything as signs from the universe, I felt that i have met my soulmate. This led to a whole series of impulsive actions and emotional rollercoaster rides. I even told my husband that I intend to leave the marriage, though it was partly because of my need to become more independent and I felt the marriage was an obstacle to that.
This period was a turbulent time for me and my husband, and probably this friend as well. Everyone who knew my husband and I and who I shared my then-decision with was shocked, since we were so spiritually connected and everyone can tell how much he loves me.
Do I regret that the path that I took due to idealism and fanciful notions? No… because the emotional upheavals that I went through helped me to appreciate what is important and authentic in life. I also learnt about the thin line between self-centredness and being centred in oneself. I used to think they are the same, but no they are not. Self-centredness is the preoccupation with fulfilling my personal needs, without any regard for the needs of others in my life. I mistakenly thought that by following my heart’s desire, even if it seems like a mistake to other people, would ultimately bring a lot of good to everyone in my life in the long run.
But it is indeed a very dangerous fantasy. Sometimes it’s true, but most times, if the desires come from the deluded ignorant part of me, then I just end up causing a lot of suffering to other people, like what happened in this case.
Perhaps it was all meant to be, for even pain brings growth. But I will not justify my mistakes in that way anymore. After all, I didn’t make the decision with the thought of enlightening others. It was with the wish to make myself happy. So that’s obviously not the way to go.
What a strange twisted path that I took this year. It also took me down the lessons of not messing with divine timing. The channelings and card/astrology readings that I sought to gain clarity for this issue did nothing but bring me even more misery, because then i kept anticipating what was “predicted” to happen. It messed up my intuition, and I gave my power away in more ways than one.
It seems like i am still beating myself over this from what i have written so far. I guess there is a part of me who still feels like the biggest idiot. Oh well, I let go, and i learn.
Yup, i learn that the universe only gives us what we need at the moment. The more we pursue beyond what we have in the present moment, the more suffering we bring to ourselves. Also, the universe never “spoils the show”. I kept wanting to know what is up ahead, what is to be done for instant enlightenment. Well, no such thing. In fact, the more I want to peek behind the curtain, the more convoluted the show becomes. Ultimately, it is really the right thing to do to “sit back, relax, and enjoy the show” as it comes.
One of the best highlights of the year was my initiation into Inner Dance. This opened up a new world for me. I learnt to let go of my analytical mind and let my body take the lead. It was fascinating to see my hands and arms moving into mudras which I did not understand with my logical mind, and have my body flow into different postures that seemed to be exactly what was needed to stretch, tone, and balance every single part of my body. It was the best workout ever – and not a single bead of sweat.
More than that, I reconnected to the shamanic side of myself in the Inner Dance retreats. The drumming and the use of nature’s creations as healing objects reawakened the part of me that has always been very connected with Mother Nature. And of cos, it was through Inner Dance that I learnt to use my voice for healing. I will always remember that moment when Stephanie was guiding us through a meditation where she channelled beautiful words and angelic singing as we were lying down. Halfway through, my body stirred, and without a single forethought in my head, I sat up and started singing in perfect synchronization with Stephanie’s voice. The sounds coming out of me were so powerful that my facial muscles was twitching, and I felt like my heart was as vast as the universe.
Ever since, I have been using my voice for healing with my clients, and it’s a pretty enjoyable process for me too, for the vibrations clear my own energy field at the same time. Music is such a powerful healing tool, even more than words, for it goes straight to the soul, without being filtered by the logical mind in any way. I definitely wish to market my voice for healing so that I can bring about healing on a mass level. Hopefully this is in alignment with my soul plan, for this is truly something that i enjoy.
Another highlight of the year is my venture into Nuskin as an attempt to balance spirituality and materialism at the same time. Once again, it was a very impulsive action to throw in such a huge sum of money in the beginning. Yet another lesson in emotion vs rationality and intuition. I teach about the importance of emotions in my workshop, and perhaps this is why the universe brought me so many opportunities to really understand the role of emotions in our life. As teachers and guides, they are great in bringing us healing, if we see them that way. However, they can be terrible advisors, and should definitely not play any part in decision making at all.
Nevertheless, even “mistakes” are blessings in disguise. I was so enthusiastic in the first month of being in Nuskin that I joined quite a no. of motivational seminars, and one in particular reawakened me to my life purpose. It was also a good chance to see many of these motivational speakers in action, and get a feel of what works for me and what doesn’t. And i’m still really great friends with the lady who got me to join Nuskin. We didn’t know each other before, and through our shared moments in Nuskin, i learnt a great deal of things from her and by observing her. She is one of the rare people in my life that I can be brutally honest with, since she is also that kind of person, and the more honest i am, the more fun and hilarious our conversations get. What a cool gal… i totally love her.
The peak of the year was also the all-time low. Isn’t that interesting? It was during the time that I decided to leave my husband, my job in the counselling centre, and that special friend was not in my life either. I met a group of spiritual friends whom I quickly grew close with, and I was having the time of my life experimenting with Inner Dance and sound healing. There were some extremely powerful healings that I did with close friends, and without realising it, i became very arrogant. So much so that I was the recipient of a spiritual attack that landed me up in the hospital.
This is not the first time that I have been to the hospital… according to an astrologer friend who has my personal info, i’m so spiritual that if not well-balanced, i can literally go insane. *gulp* Insane in the conventional sense maybe… well, there have been many enlightened folks througout history who were deemed as insane too. But for this occasion, even I feel that i was seriously out of the world. It affected me for weeks after. I didn’t realise how much till I found myself crying incessantly in the office of a healer friend, and she assessed it as trauma from that incident.
Yet, this incident brought about huge transformation not just for me but for my husband. He was the knight in shining armour in this event, despite the fact that we were living in different places during this period. Thanks to him, i received the spiritual support that prevented me from going off the edge and i was finally able to see and appreciate his love for me. In a way, we were brought back together because of this event, and he also reconnected to his own spiritual identity and purpose as a result. In fact, 2 months later, he even confided in me that he wondered if I deliberately created this event so that he would finally wake up to his true mission. Of course, logically speaking, he knew i was in no position to create it. But hey, on the soul level, he might be right.
I also reconnected with my mum on a few different levels because of this. Throughout the year I have been doing self-healing with regards to my mum. I used to blame her for her critical nature, which I felt contributed largely to my seemingly irreversible sense of inadequacy. The healing process was slow but steady. On my birthday, I had this spontaneous inspiration to dedicate a blog entry to her, for her unconditional love and support, in giving me the financial resources and time freedom to pursue my spiritual and professional interests. She read it and cried. And I truly truly appreciate her for not judging me in a single way during the period that I wanted to leave the marriage. In fact, she provided a listening ear and didn’t even give me any advice (at least not that i can remember… haha, maybe I listened selectively too). When i moved back home, she gave me my own space and i think she only asked me about the marriage less than 5 times. Hahaha…
During the time I was hospitalised, she came to accompany me almost throughout the day, and for the first time i could remember, i actually enjoyed her company. When my friend came to visit, I was genuinely surprised to see his admiration for my mum’s investment knowledge, and that’s how i realised that hey, there is really much that I can learn from my mum. Guess it’s an understatement that I have been taking my mum for granted in more ways than one.
With such an eventful year, i am so grateful to have the opportunity to attend 3 retreats in December. One was a Tibetan Ngyung Ne retreat, which is supposedly very intensive as there is a day of fasting (not even water) and doing full-body prostrations. It ended up being easier than i thought, and I totally fell in love with the practice of doing full-body prostrations. It felt so liberating, physically, mentally and spiritually. It was the perfect antidote to my arrogance which is supposed to be one of my major lessons at this time of my life – thanks to my hub who got me to go for the retreat, and i’m happy that he managed to make it to the retreat too. This is supposed to be a major karma purification retreat. Ok, i didn’t feel very different after that, but during the next retreat, the Om Mani Padme Hung chanting one, my concentration level was better than that of previous years’ retreats.
It was also during this particular retreat that I had a breakthrough in the relationships arena. During one of the breaks, my hub and I went shopping for sport shoes, and we got into a tiff about the pair of shoes that I wanted to get. Eventually, i went with his suggestion, which was the more logical one, but i was so emotionally affected that I didn’t talk to him on our way back to the retreat hall (in case you are wondering, this was located in Suntec Expo).
I have always been used to bottling up my emotions and in the typical situation, i would just give the other person the cold shoulder until I decide to “forget” about what happened. But with all the mani chanting which opens up the heart, I was unable to do so. Instead, I told him how small he made me feel, and it touched such a raw nerve that i started crying. When he said that next time if he disagreed with me, he would simply walk away, I cried even more. That’s when I realised that I had abandonment issues – for i didn’t want him to walk away. So that’s why throughout my life, to prevent pple from walking away, i would walk away first. I was always the first to say goodbye, or the last to join a gathering.
Well, that’s another layer peeled… and the peeling continues… one of these days, i would be able to get to the core, and i feel like I am getting closer each day.
The last retreat was a Zen meditation retreat organised by Dharma Drum Singapore. I went there feeling depressed, and left feeling like my heart has been somehow wiped cleaned. I felt brighter, lighter, and upon returning home, i was immediately faced with a situation (can’t even rem what now) that would have normally gotten me really upset. I was surprised to find that I couldn’t even find the impulse to get angry. Sure, there was that familiar arising of agitation, but instead of building up, it came, lasted for about 5 seconds, and subsided again. Finally, I experience the power of meditation. After all these years!
Maybe 2009 was the major purging of those biggest, deepest gunk. I faced so many huge fears – fear of losing myself, fear of losing my spiritual mission, fear of losing my soulmate, fear of losing respect from others, fear of going crazy, fear of having no money or security…. etc etc. And still, i survived. Fear is indeed an illusion after all.
2009 was indeed a year of reconnection. I originallyintended to reconnect with myself, friends and family. I got more than i bargained for. Aside from all those, i also reconnected with my husband, and he reconnected with his spiritual mission. And a most precious unexpected one was reconnection with Buddhism, the Triple Gems. The spiritual attack was when I realised how important it was to stay anchored to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, so that no matter where I go in life, I will always be aligned with proper teachings that will keep me grounded and down-to-earth, to balance my inclination towards ideals and fanciful notions.
As for that special friend, whom i still think about from time to time, he was a great teacher to me, both directly and indirectly. He probably doesn’t realise how much he has taught me, just by being who he is. Well, on the other hand, aren’t we all teachers, just through our being-ness? We teach others all the time, consciously or unconsciously, directly or indirectly. As long as there is a learner, there will be a teacher. But with that said, he gave me so many gifts… the gift of love, the gift of self-care, the gift of mastering emotions, the gift of compassion, the gift of being true to oneself…. so many. Perhaps it is not the right time for us to physically connect at this moment but he will always be in my heart anywayz. I’m not sure if he will even read this, but whatever it is, I send much love and gratitude (and also ask for forgiveness for any possible suffering i caused him) to him…. and i trust that his soul knows.
2009 was a great year. A year of transformation, training and healing…. all preparation for the work ahead in 2010. Thank you to all who were part of my 2009 in one way or another.
When we trust ourselves, when we trust the people around us and when we trust life, we never get let down (especially keeping in mind pt 7) and somehow, all of our needs (and often enough, even the wants!) would get fulfilled eventually. 
